IDENTIFICATION 1

Who’s in Charge of Me right now?

It’s a question we take for granted and usually answer with a simple Me. But experience often contradicts that claim when we find not doing things we think we should or even want to do. Or find we don’t really know why we do the things we do, say or don’t say. By seeing how that sense of self develops we get a better picture of who might be in charge.

When it comes to a sense of self, there are three primary identifications that we all have in common. We share these because they come about during the psychological formation of the ‘I’ or the sense of self as it develops.
This happens over time in three approximate stages, and the ages may vary from child to child but generally, we all follow the same path.

Babies are sensate, which means all information is gathered through the senses. Their sense of being a self in the world is confirmed through touch, taste, smell, sound, and sight. This is the beginning of a sense of self and it’s a body-self. We as adults will relate to our body’s in the way we were cared for in this early experience of being a self.

Next to develop is the feeling-self. As a toddler becomes a child, they learn to fill in the emotions that range from love to rage. Parents or caregivers need to be able to contain a young child’s emotions while they learn to do this for themselves. We develop a feeling-self and will identify with it only to the extent that it was acceptable in our care environment.

It is at this stage where the old school “boys don’t cry” and “girls don’t get angry” stereotyping has a real impact on the development of the feeling-self. The reality for most of us was our parents didn’t know how to manage our strong feelings, so they were quickly shut down. We internalise this subtle instruction and try to control emotions by shutting them down ourselves. Sometimes to the point of disconnecting altogether from the feeling-self and then as adults, we find it difficult to even name what we are feeling in any given situation.

Last to develop is the mind-self, which happens when the child establishes cognitive ability and can reason for themselves. They can think, reflect and consider their experience and try to make meaning of their world and themselves in it. Just to be clear, this does not mean that children reason in the way an adult might. A child’s reasoning is often distorted as they see themselves as the center of the world. This often leads to upsidedown thinking e.g. my parent abuses me so it must be my fault for not being good enough.

The Authentic Self

The Mind Self

The Feeling Self

The Body Self

This model of how we develop a sense of self comes from Psychosynthesis and it gives us a clear picture of how that develops. As you can see there is a later sense of self that comes about with awareness which we could call the authentic Self. The practice of presence to Self or mindfulness is what builds ground in this aspect of a person that helps us grow beyond adulthood, into selfhood.

Let’s take a deeper look and see how the development of these gets played out in reality.

Remember all three are always present, it is only our awareness of them that is missing. Bringing them into balance is about learning to be mindful of which one is in charge and dis-identifying enough to allow the other two to speak. That way true choices can be made, and real change will be possible.

Body Self

When the body-self has dominance over the other two, only the body matters. This might present itself in any number of ways. i.e., Obsession with the body needing to be perfect. Unhealthy fixations on exercise, or an unhealthy concentration on food that doesn’t allow for the juice of life to be enjoyed. Sexual activity that doesn’t make room for relationships can also be an indicator of an over-identification with the body self. Hypochondria and other preoccupations with the health of the physical body may occur when the body-self takes charge.

If you wish to bring the body-self into better balance the focus is always on staying grounded in the here and now. Breathwork, free movement, dance, yoga, Tai Chi, walking meditations, and being outside in nature, all help us connect with the body-self in a positive way.

 When in balance, it's the body-self that keeps us alive and engaged in the world. When the body whispers, wisdom is heard, when it shouts loudest the person can become lost.
Repeat silently to yourself, I have a body and I am more than my body.

Feeling Self

 When there is an over-identification with the feeling-self, it causes life to be experienced as one big drama after another. This happens because, for that person, nothing is as important as their feeling. They justify such intensity of feeling because it is the only way to feel solid and real.

If the feeling-self needs to be developed to bring it into better balance, you’ve got to learn how to identify and contain emotional energy in the body.
This is difficult enough as a child, but doing so as an adult can be deeply confusing. So be gentle with yourself and allow this process to develop over time.

Learning a new vocabulary of words to describe emotions can help. Also listening for the habitual voice that tells you to shut it down will allow you to make a conscious choice to acknowledge your feelings rather than saying nothing out of habit.

 When the feeling-self is balance it deepens our experience of relationships, adds richness and flavour to the experience of living as a whole, and gives us access to empathy and compassion.
Repeat silently to yourself, I have feelings and I am more than my feelings.

Mind Self

Over-identifying with the mind-self means the other two are left out of every situation. Ironically, this limits awareness of what’s going on because you have blocked out two vital sources of information, gut instinct, and emotional intelligence.

A function of the mind is gathering information and making meaning, but to borrow a line from Pascal, the heart has its reasons which reason knows not. This way of being in the world leaves out both body wisdom and heart-knowing. Emotional intelligence needs to be respected for it to grow and flourish into emotional maturity.

When you are developing the mind-self to bring it into better balance, what you are paying attention too is how your own mind works. You are learning to listen to your self-talk and challenging your assumptions.
The mind always likes to think it’s right. Your mind is where you ask for clear intention and direction about what you want to achieve in your life.

When the mind-self is in balance, it can act as the seat of the observing self, holding the context of a deeper Self while engaging with the content of the personality self.

This capacity to include two levels of mind, higher and lower, is what allows us to witness our own behaviour at the same time we are engaging in it.

This is only possible when the mind self is developed enough to hold the concept of an observing self.
Repeat silently to yourself, I have a mind, and I am more than my mind.

As you’ve been reading through each of these identifications you might be getting a sense of which is most developed in you. It’s not about one being better than the other, it’s about knowing which voice speaks loudest in you at any given time. Remember self-awareness is what frees up the personal will and that is what brings about personal freedom.